New year

A year has now passed, and it all seems to have gone by too quick. Now we wish we would have slowed down, embraced every moment, taking in every experience, but also remembering how quickly we wanted it to end. Now we look back and regret, and in our heads we rethink everything we ever did, every choice, mistake or decision that affected our lives, and how we could have done it differently. We over analyze and obsess over a tiny fraction in our lives, and realize how much of a difference each choice makes in our life every day.

I used to wake up in the mornings and look forward to the day ahead of me, not knowing what mysteries today brings, but knowing I always had you to look forward to. Now when I close my eyes, I don't want to wake up. Everyone has a reason to live, but do we have a reason to die too? Or is that being greedy?

At one stage in life, we will definitely fall, break, lose, disappoint, and sometimes, we don't think we have the strength to go through another day, because if the reason we're living for, suddenly disappears, is that a good enough reason to die? If the only reason we have the strength to wake up in the morning and face the world, if that reason disappears, what do we do next? Please tell me, because I don't know why I'm still here anymore.

They say with the new year, comes another chance to start over, does that mean we can forget? I wish we could. I wish second chances were literal, I wish that people would understand, and I wish that you, you would see me, for the different person that I am, not for who I was. Like I said, with the new year, doesn't come a new life, the meaning is as literal as its name, "A new year", and thats all it is, no new life.

I now have to get over the obsessing fact that I'm going on, living without you. Its been months - a year now - and I still can't get my head around the idea that after everything we promised, I ended up alone. I've missed you, a lot, though each day it gets easier. You have given me the reason I'm living today, yet the reason why at some point I wanted to end my life. I want you to always be happy, really I do, and as for me, I'll get there someday. I'll hold onto the memories because in a world full of change, they are the only things that don't, something that I am almost unwilling to accept, but there's no way around it. You can't change the past. I'm coming into terms with my reality, and its getting easier to accept each day, and the reality is, your not here, and nothing I can do will make you come back.

A year has passed

A year has now passed, it seems like its all gone by too quick, and we wish we had made the most of our time embracing what we now consider our best memories, but remembering that there was a point where we wanted it to be over as quick as possible. To move quickly through our lives, but before we know it our time will have run out and we wish we would have slowed down, taking our time, embracing every moment, but by then it will be too late. Our lives will slowly wither away along with our skin as age takes it toll on us.

Obsession

"I love you", it doesn't sound like much, not much effort in saying those 3 simple words, but trust me, there's effort to mean them. Its funny how people change when they walk away from something, like it never even mattered, or worse like it never happened. Its so stupid that I voluntarily attempt to wait for you, even though I know your not coming. And its stupid that after all this time, a part of me is still trying to get through to you, I must love you. But enough of this stupid obsession I have of keeping you in my life, I'll keep you in my memories, because they are the only things that don't change. Love is stupid, cruel, a nerving, torturous, difficult, but yet we find ourselves completely obsessed with the subject it protests; happiness and to share it with someone else. Love is calm, comforting, warm, patient, kind, and yet we come to a point where we want to give up on love because we forget what its worth. With the pain, comes the happiness we all search for. With love, comes happiness.

The night of my life, the night you left, the night the end began.

It was a brutal stabbing pain, unbearable, I was barely managing. I was holding back a lot more tears, although I was still hysterical. You just stood there and watched me, then I guess you couldn't take it anymore, you walked over and pulled me into your arms. At first I left my arms to droop lifelessly, but then it came to mind that this might be the last time I ever held you. I wrapped my arms tightly around your neck, but not nearly as tight as you were holding me. You held me close, tight, secure, like you weren't ever going to see me again, I hoped to God that wasn't true. You held me like you didn't - didn't plan on ever letting me go, I liked it, but I knew I had to do something. I pulled away, you released me keeping your hands on my waist, clenching my t-shirt in your fists. I looked into your deep, blue, dazzling eyes for a moment before looking down. I tried to fight back more tears, my throat burned as my tears began to blur my vision. You nudged your head against mine, and pulled me back closer. This time I didn't hug you back, my arms were curled up into your chest, my head rested on your neck, you held me so close, I was so warm. I could feel and hear your heart beat, it was slow, loud, and somehow calming, I felt like I was drifting asleep. I could feel your eyelashes on my shoulder, I whispered just loud enough for him to hear me, "You promised." You blinked, and a warm tear spilled down my back, and then another, your eyelashes were wet, then you blinked again, but you didn't re - open your eyes. You whispered something I couldn't clearly hear, but I heard the last 3 words, "I love you", I don't know if you intended for me to hear, and what part you wanted me to hear, but I heard that, it was comforting, but at the same time unsettling. You pushed me away gently and walked out the door, I fell to my knees, I didn't have the strength to keep myself up anymore, I knew it was over, but it wasn't the ending I was wanting, hoping for.

irony

"Go away, I want to be alone!" I shouted, the irony of it is, that as I finished my sentence, I realized that I was going to indeed be alone for a very long time.

about me

I have a tendency to over express myself, over share my problems, and speak my mind too much. I find myself constantly wondering in endless circles, unintentionally ending up where I first started. In this cold world, bustling with madness, with a pen in my hand and paper in front of me, the world gets kinda quiet. I escape into the words as my pens ink spills onto my paper, and my thoughts escape. I get caught up in my mind and I tend to trip on my thoughts as the pressure to be perfect implodes. When I fight for something I find it hard to let it go or simply walk away. I have recently inherited the issue of who I trust, after everything, its a wonder I haven't isolated myself. I get all worked up, and stressed easily, I'm recklessly emotional, and sensitive. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I swear, but no ones perfect. I'm a Christian and I love God, but the bible isn't my rule book, its my guide book, I have my own morals.

Please

I know I can do this without him, I've gotten this far, but being here seems all so pointless without him here with me. You promised me happiness and the only time I've ever felt complete was with him. I know he's gone, and it hurts real bad, I still think about him everyday, just not as much. I won't deny my love for him, or how much I miss him. Why does it have to be so hard, don't you think I've been away from him enough, I've learned my lessons, and accepted everything, please bring him back to me, please. You know how much it would mean to me, how much it would put me in your favor. Yes I guess you could say I'm trying to bribe you, I guess I feel as though there's nothing else I can do, and I want him back badly. I hold onto my memories like they were just yesterday, because they are the only things that don't change, and in hopes that someday there might be an "us" again. I love him, and there is nothing you can do to make me change my mind, or suddenly forget, even if he's forgotten now, I haven't and I won't, and unless you do something now this pain will keep growing inside of me and I will break, and I'll eventually lose all faith in you, me, everything. Please do something, I can keep going on without him, but I don't want to. After everything you at least owe me that, and I promise I will remain faithful for all my life.
Iloveyou

you

You walked away, but yet i stayed,
I waited for you, but you had nothing to say.
You left me there drowning in my tears,
all because you couldn't face your fears.
I don't want your apology, pity or sorrow,
I'm going to tell you, cause you need to know,
that I hate you now and I don't care,
because you put me through hell, and you left me there.
Do you remember, or do you forget,
when you said that you'd never regret?
As far as I'm concerned, I don't regret you,
I just regret everything you lead me to.
Why do you pretend? Everything you've denied?
I swear I will show you what its like to die inside.
Why should I be the one to say sorry,
when your the one who hurt me without a worry?
You got life easy, family and friends that appreciate you,
and everything you gave me, you took away from me too.
Once a upon a time, when this love story started,
I never thought I would end up so broken hearted